Rule #2 We are not puppies…Or Herpes

You cannot simply rub our tummies with promises of Disneyland and milkshakes to win us over; likewise, no prescription cream or once a day antibiotic is going to cure her offspring outbreak or make us ‘clear up.’

The children of single mothers are not adorable accessories – cute miniature Chihuahuas stuffed into sparkling designer purses. When the novelty of building Lego castles or having a legit reason to play Xbox all night wears off, the reality sets in. That little puppy is going to shit in a few purses before it’s all said and done.

We don’t magically go away – not when we’re at school, with the babysitter, at our dad’s for the weekend or even when we turn 18 years old. There is no end. No cure to motherhood.
Not only are we going to always be around but we’re all different. The same tricks and attempts to bond aren’t going to work on all of us. Our mother has been there to see us develop and understands our personalities. You do not.

My younger brother was content to wrestle and fight his way through life. He was easy to get along with – he was a “man’s man” kind of kid with a happy-go-lucky personality. At least until he hit his teenage years, when endearing rotten turned into full fledged rebellion. I have always leaned towards being dry, logical and nerdy; someone could tell me it was raining cats and dogs and I would blankly reply that that was not possible because rain was the result of evaporation and a buildup of moisture in the atmosphere. I was nine. I was not being malicious; it is simply my personality. Our middle brother disappeared into endless extracurricular activities. He was sensitive and athletic. He was the heart of our family that tried to continually escape and rescue us but didn’t give a second thought to chasing me down the hallway to deck me for cussing him out.

The older a single mother’s children, the harder it will be. There’s a reason everyone wants puppies when there are countless adult dogs needing homes and why early detection is so important in fighting cancer.

Maybe single mothers live on the same sad, terrible schedule as children in the foster care system. After the age of 10, a child’s chances drop to half of what they were before. Maybe when I hit 10 years old, my mother’s chances of finding someone vanished into the dark realm of YahooNews-Lifestyle human interest stories and middle aged romantic comedies.

The harshest critics you will ever have in your life are the children of single mother.

We’ll judge you as youngsters on how much fun you are. We’ll think you’re a super hero and if you stick around, we’ll slap you in the face a few years later with “You’re not my Dad.” But like when I told my mother I hated her over and over again throughout my teenage years – you have to deal with it.
We will judge you on how you treat our mother. We know her better than you. We are around her all the time. We’ve seen her happy, sad, scared, and angry. If you aren’t good to her, we will let you know.

When I was still obsessed with Pokémon cards and still trying to send my first baseball into the outfield, I made my position as a man of my family known to my mom’s steady boyfriend. She gone out to treat herself to a salon haircut, color and style – one of the few I can ever remember her getting. She sat at her spot at the dinner table and so began the belittling. She’d gone shorter and darker than she said she was.

“It looked nice but…” that is what I remember hearing over and over again as I watched the glow disappear from checks along with her smile. She tucked the freshly curled shining hair behind her ears and looked at her plate trying to think of a quick change of subject.

“Mama,” I caught her attention. She feigned a smile as she looked up at me but I looked to the other side of the table.

“Mama, I like your hair.” I watched as the color drained from his face and he walked away from the table; shocked that a small, nerdy first grader put him in his place.

I didn’t know enough than to understand the courage and strength I’d shown. All I knew is that my mother looked beautiful and he was making her sad. I realize now why she hugged me tight and told me she was proud of me. I’d defended her when she’d forgotten how. I showed that someday I would be a man to stand up for those I love no matter how hard the fight might be.

Don’t underestimate the comprehension of children, especially those of single mothers. We’re stronger than you realize. Smarter than you give up credit for. And if they have mothers like mine, they have a full education on sarcasm and coming up fighting.

If you’re lucky enough to be introduced to a Single Mother’s children, recognize the compliment, have patience, and let us set the pace.
And take them to DisneyLand…


A Menorah for Christmas

Understand that we were the ‘Church on Easter and Christmas’ kind of family. That we didn’t memorize Bible verses and the Ten Commandments. My mother taught me that God, however you perceive or worship, is to be respected. She taught me to be kind and ‘good’ without imprinting the fear of Hell.

And she taught me about different religions and freedom when she took us on a ten store manhunt for a  Menorah – Her best friends were an interfaith Jewish-Atheist/Catholic married couple. We gave them the menorah and candles as an Early Christmas/Hanukkah gift to replace the one they’d lost in a recent move. As we shopped she explained Judaism and religious diversity.

Though it was small, it was the perfect gift.

They said ‘thank you.’ We watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and they laughed as she poured three glasses of the wine they’d gotten for her.

Talking with My Parents

Slightly off topic but slightly on point. You cannot understand my family and the value of son’s love for his mother without knowing the chanced writer it created.


I talk to God as though we sipped coffee together at a diner counter.
As though He and I spoke with the bitter honesty of strangers
…. or dying men.
What is it? What are you trying to teach me now, what lesson do I need to learn?
He does not answer. Nor has He ever.
Like a mother holding her breath to hear her child’s first cry
But not its last.
Please. Anything you want, it is yours.

I linger on my words as though I expect His reply.
As though an imaginary angelic waitress has come to warm our cups
… Or heal our hearts.
Give me something here. Anything.
He is not offended. Not angered by my frustration.
Like a father teaching his babe to walk, he smiles and offers me his hand for grace
Each time I fall.
Is that it? Is that what you want me to learn?

I fumble over the questions as though the answers are already sinking around me
As though suddenly our newly filled coffees are desperately in need of cream and sugar
… Or feeling and comfort.
To want something. To admit I desperately want something, to ask You for something?
He isn’t there. No longer sitting beside me.
Like parents leaning into each other as they take off the training wheels and let go of the handlebars
Pretending to be brave.
I want it .I want…

The Part Where I Take on The Assholes (PART I)

Because I would not dream of not giving full credit where credit is due – especially to idiots – I will be giving as full and credited version of these articles as possible!
Now, I love a good piece of satire but I will be addressing these articles under the assumption that they are not satirical – The purpose of satire is to use irony, humor, or exaggeration to criticize something in reality. That means even if these articles are meant to ridicule the perception of single mothers in the dating world, they are also emphasizing the problems and stereotypes they face.

Article 1
You can find this article lovingly titled “8 Essential Rules For Banging A Single Mom” at
dated April 8, 2014 by an author identified as SharpShooter.
Return of Kings can also be found on Twitter and Facebook
8 Essential Rules For Banging A Single Mom
By SharpShooter
Men here know there are countless reasons dating a single mother is a terrible idea. Any man who unwittingly wanders into the clutches of one of these harpies is doomed from the start. Once she has her talons in him he’s stuck raising another man’s offspring and before he knows it, she’s off looking for an alpha fux (her ex in a lot of cases) to compliment her beta bux. A no win situation for the poor sap.
But every once in a blue moon we run into a baby mama that not only passes the boner test, she has the art of mimicking a quality woman down pat. She’s feminine, takes care of her body, and seems to know her way around a kitchen. Now before you guys start frothing at the mouth let me be clear: I will never advocate commiting to, dating, or God forbid, marrying these women. But if you absolutely must tangle with these tarts or are just starting out in game and looking for quick and easy lays to get your feet wet, here are 8 rules to follow to get what you want out of them (easy sex) without ending up like this…

8. Do not completely avoid giving off provider vibes
First off, I’m not suggesting that you act like Captain Save-A-Hoe. What I am suggesting is that giving off a bit of a provider vibe every so often can work in your favor. The reason is that the most important trait to an SM when hunting for a target looking for a man is his ability to provide for her children. When her radar picks up that provider signal she’s desperately looking for she’ll do anything to lock you down. Blowjobs on command, back massages, after-sex sandwiches, strip teases, you name it. She’ll pull out all the stops to show you what a fantastic and unique and amazing woman she is in hopes of getting a commitment from you. Of course you’re not looking for commitment or anything close to it but she doesn’t know that and as long as she thinks there’s a chance for it she’ll continue to chase that carrot like a starving jack rabbit.

You Almost Get It: Single mothers already have people (their children) depending on them. These women are already responsible for the emotional, financial, and physical well-beings of other human beings.  Single moms ALREADY WORK hard enough to take care of their families without taking in immature, jobless men.



7.Never babysit for ANY amount of time
“I need to run in for cigarettes. Can you watch Timmy while I run in?” DON’T DO IT. Watching Timmy for four minutes will turn into watching him, his spoiled rotten sister, and his kid brother who needs his ADD medication every 30 minutes on a while she and her slutty friends have girl’s night out.
Nip this in the bud the first time she tries it because this is also a shit test. Fail it and you’re done. If she raises hell about it, next her. There are plenty of hot sluts out there without any snot nosed baggage.

Where to Begin: The children of single mothers do not all have behavioral issues, ADD. Having a single mother doesn’t mean you’re a spoiled, ill behaved, mannerless child – That’s having Bad Parent(s). Additionally, no one with any sense of decency is going to ask someone they do not significantly know and trust to watch their children. 



6. Turn her into a bowling ball
Regardless of how hot a single mom is, her SMV is lowered because she has children. They would never verbally acknowledge this in public but they know the score. Not having much else to bring to the table she will concentrate her efforts in the bedroom to balance the baggage created by her rug rats. Take full advantage of this—turn her into a bowling ball and penetrate all three of her luscious holes. She will gladly participate in any debauchery your dirty mind can dream up to keep you around. Anal sex, parking lot blow jobs, sex tapes, and nude pictures are just the tip of the iceberg. Nothing is off limits and neither are any of her orifices.

Must NOT Think About My Mother Here: To be realistic single mothers may be better in bed. Most have developed the maturity, strength, experience and confidence – similar to Cougars. These women know what they want, aren’t afraid to ask, and are no longer shy about their sexuality.


— Complicated

5. The very first time she withholds sex, NEXT HER
A single mother withholding sex from you is a mathematical inevitability. The reason for this is that they’re used to their vaginas being pedestalized by betas so they underestimate your need for sex. With this in mind, they attempt to pull this all-too-familiar power move to gain control of the “relationship.” But a man like you has options and if you don’t tolerate the hot, childless 22 year old putting your dick on detention, putting up with it from a 31 year old with a couple whipper snappers is a joke.
The first time she attempts to close her cooch for any reason simply stand up, smirk at her, say “It’s been fun” and walk out the door never to be seen or heard from again. This is your only move in this scenario.

No-Means-No: Every individual, men and women, have the right to SAY NO TO SEX. Demanding sex in order to continue a relationship is abuse.


4. Use her as a fuck buddy, nothing more
Single mothers make great fuck buddies. They’re unselfish in the sack and available all the time (watch how quickly they can find a last minute babysitter when alpha cock is calling). But making her anything other than a coitus companion is a huge mistake. As soon as she gets the idea that she’s anything more than a moist hole for your salty swimmers she’ll expect to be treated like a girlfriend thinking you’ve finally taken the bait.
“How ’bout the occasional coffee date?” Nope. Bang buds are for banging, not having romantic little chats over lattes with.
“What about watching a movie at her place?” Two conditions: 1) Her kids aren’t there. 2) It leads to sex. Bounce like a bad check when the dirty deed is done.
“Friends with benefits?” Negative. She is not your friend and you ain’t givin’ her benefits. Leave that to her orbiters and the government.
Giving an SM any allowance of your time, money, or attention only leads to trouble. Underestimating her ability to weasel her way into your resources would be a gross misstep on your part. Don’t give her that opportunity. Fuck buddy is the only status she deserves.

Oh Go To Hell: Just because they have children doesn’t mean they can’t have morals or standards. Not all single mothers are on welfare or receive child support. She doesn’t need “your resources.”



3. Do not get close to her children
Children of single mothers are yearning for a strong male presence and as soon as one makes an appearance, they latch on and don’t let go. Who can blame them? When a child looks up to you, mimics you, and gives you a hero’s welcome whenever you walk in the door it really has an effect on you. I know this from personal experience.
Do yourself a favor and do not connect with her children. Avoiding them all together is probably the best course of action. This should be quite easy as there is usually a custody order in place which requires them to spend a couple nights a week with dad. Schedule your trysts with her on nights when he’s got the kids and this shouldn’t be an issue.

Actually You’re KINDA RIGHT: If you are only interested in screwing a single mom and have no interest in a relationship, save everyone the trouble and don’t meet her children.


And You’re WRONG: Many children of single mothers still have a healthy, close relationship with their fathers. Not only will they not all come running to you like a Long Sought Man/Savior, most will reject, fight and rebel against like crazy.


2. Do not pay for anything
This one is simple, gents. There is absolutely no need to take out your wallet for a woman who gets food and shelter from the government, financial favors from white knights, and monthly payments from the father(s) of her child(ren). Period.

At Least You knew Not To Say Gentlemen: Not all single mothers life on government assistance, child support, charity and sex hungry white knights. Not everyone receiving these types of assistance are single mothers nor are they all drug addicts, illegals, whores, lazy, trash, etc.


1. Do not get into an LTR with her
As obvious as this is there are a lot of men out there who don’t understand that single mothers are damaged women that make terrible significant others so let me sum this up as succinctly as possible: a single mother wants nothing more than to trap a beta to provide for her children so she doesn’t have to. As soon as she secures a commitment from said provider via shared residence, marriage, etc., she assumes her children are taken care of. On this assumption she then goes on the hunt for alpha cock to take care of herself, thus, satisfying her hypergamy.
Believing anything different will lead to your undoing.

You Don’t Deserve One Anyway: If anyone treats another human being as poorly as you have instructed above, they don’t deserve a Long Term Relationship with anyone. Especially not my mother, or any of the other amazing single mothers I’ve met in my life.


Single mothers are at the bottom of the totem pole as far as LTR material goes but they do make excellent pussy pals if you know what you’re doing. Her mission in life is to lock down a beta provider for her young at all costs. This makes gaming them is child’s play and they will often treat you much better than their younger, hotter, childless competition. As long as you understand what they really want out of you and treat them accordingly, you’ll have no shortage of these venturesome vixens willing to suck the life out of you for a chance at that social and financial security they so richly deserve.

You can read the full article (and many more equally offensive) at:

The Prevailing Joke

My mother made me a “Candy Man” costume for Halloween when I was four years old. It was my favorite movie as a kid. Not to mention, Charlie was being raised by his SINGLE MOTHER who also provided for her parents and in-laws.
This is just insulting, not to mention plain gross when applied to my own mother. However putting aside the crude sexualization, if a woman chooses to support herself or her family this way is doesn’t belong on a t-shirt or poster.
… … … … … … … … …

Rule #1 She is Not Damaged, Used or on Clearance.

Motherhood tainted my mother and every other single mother in the dating world and created an unending cycle of complications and heartbreaking characterizations for her. This is a particularly true concept for those in the “Never Been Married/No Kids” category of dating. These women have basically written this group of men off as untouchable. Compared to the pouchless tummies and responsibility free nights of a normal single woman, well, my mother said “she was the bottle of the totem pole.”

So despite the fact that single moms are a significant portion of the population they are still tossed to the wayside, branded as deserving their lot in life or a miraculous example of what hard work and dedication can overcome. And men like me – well we joke that their easy scores and buy shirts that say ‘support single mothers’ silhouetted by a naked woman swinging around a pole. And more likely perhaps, we’re all just scared of what the generations before us (and maybe even our friends) will think. So we remain content to continue the pedestaling and damning of these women.
“This is the woman I love, that I want to marry….and these are her kids.”

No, I suppose it does not roll off the tongue with any particular ease or grace especially if those being addressed are from more traditional religions or cultures. Even my own mother, in her sincere but sad honesty, has admitted that she would be more than reluctant and even a bit upset if I brought a girl home with some of “her same qualifications.” How can a concept be so deeply rooted in our thinking that even a single-mother, raised by another single-mother, who has suffered and worked so hard to succeed; A woman who has strived to overcome these same stereotypes can say she would subject another women to them? Can my mother really believe that she and every other single mother in this world are just the “damaged goods” they’ve been told they are?

Unfortunately, the answer is not as simple as single mothers believing in or even excepting their lot in life. I cannot reassure you that this stereotype hasn’t embedded itself so far into our thinking that single mothers actually believe. I cannot argue that the stereotype is in inspiration for a community of women to fight against it.

It is a much softer and even sentimental believe that prevents single mothers from screaming or breaking down in tears each time the issue comes up. We are their children. Their suffering has been for us. So in the balancing act that ruled her life, deep down no matter how much my mother hate it and thought it was wrong, she truly did accept it. She continued to fight and hide it to save us.

It’s simple really. I am her son – her Prince and her Baby. Her life and soul. She would never think any woman was deserving of me: the Queen of England would not be from a good enough family; a super model not pretty enough; a saint not pure enough; a scientist not smart enough.

This is why she never flinched when someone said to her “I like you. I could love you forever. But my family would never accept you.” or when he said “You’re freaking awesome but…” when the ‘my kids have the flu or baseball practice’ became a tired-out routine. Nor could she even hold a grudge or be offended by a man’s mother disapproving of her. After all, this woman was doing exactly what she knew she herself would do – this mother was a good mother and wanted the best for her son. This invisible bond of motherhood prevented her from being angry. So despite how much the ‘girl’ inside of her may have wanted to cry, how heartbroken she must have been, she stood strong. And she never let anyone see the hurt each time she was reminded that she was perfect—except for the fact, of course, that we existed. No, she didn’t cry when anyone could see.

And why is it that a good woman should be labeled as a castoff in the dating world because of children. In a society of ever loosening morals, internet dating, reality TV and social media networking at every corner, how does this traditional concept linger with such unconscious prevalence? I find myself only able to find one justification. Thinking back the bedtimes filled by my mother voice singing Eleanor Rigby and late night trips to the Emergency Room with work still to worry about in the morning, there is only one thing my brothers and I truly prevented my mother from doing: Lying.


A single mother’s children are a physical real personification of her past. She is a woman with a past. She doesn’t have the ability of hiding her sexual or life experience from the world. Her ‘mistakes of youth’ have names. We call her mama or mommy and when we’re sick or sad she is our doctor and our comfort. My mother could not simply fudge the numbers, or play innocent No claiming the bride is a virgin at that wedding…

So despite the profound universal knowledge that everyone has a past and the even more relevant warning that anyone can lie. She can’t simply put on a cardigan sweater and cross necklace to hide the three boys playing soldiers in the backseat. Single mothers are left somewhere in the wayside: simultaneously proud and made to feel ashamed.

She always held her head high each time someone asked her if she had children. “Yes.” She’d say simply as she waited for the “ohhh” nod. “Do they have the same dad?” “Are you married?” Their slew of questions and feigned sympathy only suggested the judgmental views behind them which nearly always followed the revelation that she was a mother. Her right to privacy stripped away as these strangers meant to find out the full extent of her sexual prowess and shame. Each time my mother’s accomplishments were asterisked by “for a single-mom” or “considering.” Everything she did became labeled by the tragic status of doing it while being a single-mom.

She was no longer a woman. No longer a girl in search of her Prince Charming; or a successful business woman fighting for a promotion; a college freshman just starting out with the world at her fingertips. Single mothers carry a shame that is externally pressed upon them no matter what they do. People were shocked when they saw the big nice house she managed to rent for us; that she did as much as she did. They were amazed that she managed to get a college degree. And they just couldn’t believe she’d raised such smart, well-behaved, respectful children.

Without us, my mother would have been a prize. She could have had her pick of the litter, as they say. Not only was she absolutely beautiful, she was confident, soft, well-spoken, resourceful, kind, strong and educated. She could walk into a room and immediately have everyone’s attention. She could brighten the world with her smile. Her eyes captured hearts and her kisses healed the scrapes on my knees. Instead of adding to her long list of superior qualities that she was also already an accomplished housewife (albeit without the husband) and had proven herself to be an amazing mother. Her motherhood seemed to lessen everything she was to the prospective dating world. She was just a consolation prize: a 75% off clearance trench coat from Saks Fifth Avenue because of a missing button and ripped seam.

I once hid at the top of the stairs after bedtime listening to the conversations between my mother and aunt. In the way that children always think adult moments will reveal some magical keyhole to things they never knew, I hung on their every word waiting to find out the big secret. But as they meditated on their prospects in life I tried to wrap my young mind around the words.

“What good, decent man would want us?”

They asked the question so blankly and without accusation that it made my chest hurt but I was too young to understand why. I had yet to fully know there was such a thing as a ‘good man’ and a ‘bad man’ none the less a complete spectrum in-between. I couldn’t possible understand the implications behind what they meant then. But I do now.

When my mother found me at the top of the stair, she smiled at my sleepy innocent expression and tried to hide the sadness in her face. She kissed my forehead as she pulled the blankets around my shoulders and I snuggled into her chest.

“I love you, I’ll always be there when you fall.” She whispered.

I wisped a reply before slipping into my dreams “I’ll catch you too Mama.”

The idea behind the conversation I heard that night was simple even though I didn’t understand it then. As single-moms, both my mother and aunt realized they were something less. No matter how good of women they were, no decent good man would want them. They even agreed with the logic behind it. Any man with his life together wouldn’t want to be with someone who spends hers just trying to survive. No man without children of his own would even consider wanting to deal with some other guy’s kids. No good man would ‘settle’ on a single-mom.

And although she managed to pay all the bills, and keep us in a nice house with new shoes, she never thought she had it together. It didn’t matter that she managed to take care of everything all by herself. This may have made her stronger but it certainly did not make her better than any pretty college party girl without children. And no, it didn’t matter when she worked extra hours one day so she could get off early the next in order to make it to our daycare in time to get us to baseball practices and soccer games. Every hour we spent at daycare was another failure. When we didn’t know how to hold a baseball bat or throw a football, she blamed herself. She was failing us. She wasn’t doing enough…for us.

Single-moms have accepted the image that society has of them. They don’t see their lives as continual triumphs. They only see the constant struggle. They can only wonder if they are strong enough to handle the next disaster. The eternal worry that keeps them up at night and haunts their dreams: That it isn’t enough. That it’ll never be enough. That they can never give their children everything we deserve.


This is a story about my mother but it is not just her story. This is my story. My brothers’ stories. The story of my family, the woman who made us and the society around us.

“I love you.
I love you more.
I love you to the moon.
I love you to the sun.
I love you to the everything.”

I spent my life watching her from a back seat littered by stale cereal bits, Pokémon cards and superhero action figures. We hated her for not having enough money while she searched her jewelry box for something left to pawn. My little brother whimpered while she kissed us goodbye at 6 each morning and we whined for lunch money or lunchables while she survived on coffee and nicotine until devouring our leftover dinners. I grew up to be a man surrounded by strong and fiercely independent women that sacrificed and smiled through countless pains in order to provide and shield us.

So often I see news articles discussing society’s changing perceptions of marriage and family. The Pope, himself, married a couple who already child together but kids like us are still considered”At-risk.” Smothered by the statistics telling us that we’re a rarity if we don’t end up in the juvenile or adult correctional system and we graduated high school or went to college it is a miracle. Essentially, the world around us is constantly surprised if we don’t screw up. It tells us that we beat the odds. That we’re the exception to the rule but who made the rule that my mother wasn’t good enough.

I present ‘The Complicated and Sometimes Dangerous Rules for Dating My Single Mother’ as a guide and warning label to other men but also as a tribute to a mother from her son.